What is Reproductive Grief?
An unseen loss leading to an unseen, unacknowledged grief.
As a Reproductive Trauma Specialist, I help women find healing, hope and new life after reproductive loss, which involves understanding and navigating reproductive grief. So, what is reproductive grief?
Reproductive grief occurs after the loss of a pregnancy such as a stillbirth, miscarriage, undergoing an abortion, or having infertility struggles. Reproductive loss and subsequent reproductive grief are deeply personal and often complex experiences to navigate. Reproductive grief differs from other forms of loss due to the unique combination of physical, emotional, psychological, and sometimes societal as well as spiritual factors involved.
Some key aspects of reproductive loss and reproductive grief:
1. Types of Reproductive Loss
Miscarriage (Early Pregnancy Loss): A pregnancy loss occurring before 20 weeks gestation. Miscarraige is often unexpected and can lead to feelings of shock, confusion, guilt.
Stillbirth: The loss of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy. This is devastating, as it involves the anticipation of a birth and the subsequent grief of losing a child you were preparing to welcome into your life.
Abortion: A pregnancy that has been terminated at any point in gestation. While society may sometimes call this reproductive health, an abortion is more accurately a reproductive loss that commonly brings about complex emotions to navigate afterward, including grief.
Ectopic Pregnancy or Molar Pregnancy: Losses in which the pregnancy cannot develop normally, often leading to surgery or medical intervention, such as Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR) and significant emotional distress.
Infertility: The inability to conceive a child naturally or through assisted reproductive technologies can create grief over unfulfilled dreams of parenthood.
2. Reproductive Grief May Show Up As:
Shock and Disbelief: It’s common to have difficulty processing that the pregnancy or the hope of having a child is no longer possible.
Sadness and Depression: Deep sorrow and loss are common, as parents may grieve the future they had imagined with their child.
Anger and Guilt: Some people may feel anger at themselves, their bodies, medical providers, or their concept of God/life, while others might experience guilt, questioning what they could have done differently to prevent the loss.
Loneliness: The sense of being alone in reproductive grief can be isolating, especially if others around you don't understand the depth of your pain, or if they don’t acknowledge the loss as significant.
Anxiety and Fear: After a loss, there can be heightened fear of future pregnancies or attempts to conceive, along with worry about health risks.
3. Physical Aspects of Reproductive Grief
There is a physical toll of reproductive loss that can be both immediate and long-term. Fatigue, heaviness as well as an increased need for sleep are common after loss. Miscarriage, stillbirth and TFRM can require medical procedures, and the physical recovery from these experiences parallel the emotional recovery, bringing complexity to the grieving process. Hormones shift rapidly and are affected, which may also intensify feelings of sadness, anxiety, or emotional numbness.
4. Societal Influences on Reproductive Grief
Silence and Stigma: Historically, reproductive loss has not been openly acknowledged or discussed, leading to feelings of shame or isolation. Some may feel pressured to "move on" quickly, which can inhibit healthy grieving.
Expectations Around Parenthood: Many individuals or couples have within them a long-held vision of being parents. In the case of infertility or reproductive loss, reproductive grief can sometimes be experienced as a personal failure, though it’s often beyond one’s control.
5. Healthy Grieving and Coping
Grieving a reproductive loss encompasses a combination of emotions. You’ve likely heard of various “models” or “stages” of grieving such as the Six Stages of Grief, or the Four Tasks of Mourning. What’s most important is to seek support and grieve the loss in place of avoiding painful emotions. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. And like any grief, reproductive grief is not linear and will often resurface in a different form years later. This is normal.
A few guiding principles to help you grieve well:
Acknowledge and Express: It’s important to acknowledge the loss openly, whether through talking with supportive people (family member, friend, therapist, clergy), attending a support group for reproductive loss, or engaging in rituals like creating a memory box or having a memorial for a lost baby.
Seek Support: Finding emotional support from others who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly validating and deeply healing. This can be in the form of therapy, support groups, faith communities or communities focused on reproductive grief.
Self-compassion: Practicing kindness and patience with yourself is essential. Healing is a journey.
6. The Impact on Relationships
Reproductive grief & loss can impact relationships, particularly between partners. Each person may grieve in different ways and at different paces. Communication is essential to healthy grieving within your relationships, as each person’s past and present experience of grief is unique. It’s important for couples to acknowledge their shared pain, honor each other’s different grieving style, and to receive communal support when and as needed.
Rebuilding After Reproductive Loss
For those who experience reproductive loss and wish to try for a child in the future, the grief might be complicated by fears of another loss. Pregnancy after a loss may bring joy but also anxiety, and a subsequent pregnancy can be fraught with mixed emotions. Support during future pregnancies or fertility treatments is essential to managing anxiety and instilling hope, which is why I focus part of my practice on helping women grieve well after loss and regain hope and strength in rewriting their Reproductive Story to welcome in life again.
If I can be of help to you in your journey of healing after reproductive loss, please reach out. I see you and am here to support you.
Christine Slomski is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in anxiety, trauma, grief & loss, chronic illness, infertility counseling, and women’s mental health.
Hi, I’m Christine Slomski, a Licensed Professional Counselor, EMDR Therapist, EFT Tapping Practitioner & Reproductive Grief & Trauma Specialist in Mesa, Arizona. I’m here to help you find your way back to Calm.
My work supports healing from within, using a Mind, Heart, Body, and Spirit model. I’m professionally and personally qualified to walk with you through the hard places, believing you already have within you the components to heal, transform, and thrive.
With love,
Christine